In this candid and heartfelt first episode, hosts Magda Walczak and Komal Smriti explore one of life’s most quietly painful questions: Why am I hard to understand? From the longing to feel seen by parents, friends, and partners, to navigating identity, miscommunication, and societal expectations, they share deeply personal stories about growing up misunderstood, cultural transitions, language barriers, and self-esteem struggles. If you’ve ever felt like you’re speaking, but no one really hears you—this episode is for you. They discuss how childhood experiences shape our sense of self, why we crave validation, and how our relationships—both romantic and platonic—are impacted when we don’t feel truly known. Along the way, they unpack powerful insights on communication, connection, and redefining what it means to be understood. Listeners will walk away with relatable stories, actionable takeaways, and a reminder: you are not alone in wanting to be seen for who you truly are. Perfect for: Anyone who’s ever felt “too different,” struggled to connect with loved ones, or wondered how to bridge the gap between self-expression and being understood.
In our debut episode, we ask a deeply human question: Why am I hard to understand?
From childhood memories of feeling unseen by parents, to the unspoken frustrations in friendships and romantic relationships, Magda and Komal share raw, personal stories about language barriers, cultural transitions, self-esteem struggles, and the lifelong search for connection.
We explore:
This isn’t about finding a quick fix. It’s about uncovering the roots of why we sometimes feel unseen, and learning how to build bridges toward deeper understanding.
The Art of Thinking Clearly – Rolf Dobelli
An eye-opening guide to cognitive biases—mental shortcuts that shape how we interpret the world. Dobelli challenges us to actively seek opposing viewpoints, so we can see reality more clearly rather than just reinforcing what we already believe.
Atlas of the Heart – Brené Brown
A powerful map of 87 distinct human emotions and experiences. Brown shows how naming our feelings precisely can foster empathy, connection, and resilience.
The 5 Love Languages – Gary Chapman
Love is often expressed—and felt—in five main “languages.” Chapman explains how understanding your partner’s primary language can transform relationships and reduce misunderstandings.
Conversational Intelligence – Judith E. Glaser
A deep dive into how conversations literally shape brain chemistry, either building trust and collaboration or triggering fear and defensiveness. Glaser offers tools for shifting from “power over” to “power with.”
If you’ve ever felt like you’re speaking, but no one really hears you—this episode is for you.
Magda: Welcome to it's not just me, the podcast where we explore questions we all have. But some of us are too afraid to confront. We're your hosts, Magda and Komal. And in today's episode we ask. Why am I hard to understand?
Komal: Okay, that's what we are going to explore today. But 1st of all, let me tell you. Uh, you know, this question popped up in my consciousness when I I think, probably when I hit teens. Because if I ponder on this question. Which has kind, I, I can understand, has become a reality for a lot of people. For me. It really became a reality. When I was in my teens. And specifically in concern with my parents, because I constantly felt like. They don't see me. They don't know me. They don't get me. They don't understand me. I mean what's wrong with me. And how do I just. Get through to them.
Magda: I feel that's pretty common, and it's just not just parents. I feel like when we're teenagers. Um, obviously, with some peers, it can also happen. But yeah, with uh. Many authority figures. I feel like teachers, too, I mean, how many times do you. Um hear of kids acting out, or just, you know. Things happening because they feel like. So and so doesn't get me. Coach doesn't get me. Mom doesn't get me.
Komal: Friends, you know my friends do not get me here.
Magda: Friends don't get me. Am I weird and something wrong with me?
Komal: Yeah. So tell me, when did you become.
Magda: Yeah.
Komal: One with this question like, When did this pop up in your life.
Magda: Um. It's funny, because my. Why am I hard to understand? Is connected to. Not just the metaphysical essence of me, but literally being hard to understand. But but they're connected. Um so. As you know, I'm polish and um. In Polish, we roll our r's. Like we have hard r's when we speak. Um! I actually I can't draw my r's. Um! My mouth isn't like my heart. Palate, I think it's called, is not shaped correctly, so like literally. Nothing I can do about it. But. Um growing up in the eighties. Um, it's not just kids that weren't very nice about it. Adults weren't very nice about it, either. And they would kind of write it up as oh, they're just teasing me. Oh, it's cute! It was not cute like. It gave me anxiety when I was like child.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: And um.
Komal: I know.
Magda: You know, from. That point onwards. I only realized this in my thirties right, but at that point onwards the anxiety started building and building and building. And it started with that, and then it continued with the more anxiety I had. The faster I spoke, and the more.
Komal: Right.
Magda: Well, anxious I I would be when I was put on the spot, or I was having, you know, an argument with my parents because they didn't understand me when I was a teen just like you mentioned. But it compounded because of that. They literally couldn't understand me sometimes because. Like. I'm already a naturally fast speaker like, imagine. I think you've met me before. Um. I literally went on anti-anxiety medication. And that's how I found out that these things were connected.
Komal: Okay.
Magda: I didn't realize I had anxiety until my my just regular doctor during a checkup.
Komal: Anxiety.
Magda: I went in. I'm like, Oh, I'm having. Like I just feel like maybe my heart is beating too fast. I feel like. I just. I have these episodes of almost panic attacks. He's like, Yeah, that's called anxiety. I'm like, Oh. What um? And only when I started. Like those low dose Meds did.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: My, my whole body, my mind would come down, and I found myself being able to speak more clearly, I found myself being able to kind of. Take a step back and a breath, and actually stop before I'm speaking. Um! So that I could be more understood, both in terms of like actual understanding, but also in terms of. Being able to express myself so that if someone doesn't understand. Me uh.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: I can relate that better to them, because my mind is more calm. So it's yeah. It's built for decades for me. That's how messed up I am.
Komal: Yeah. I know and what I'm like now that we are talking, and we are talking from a perspective of having understood this aspect right. But just imagining that so many years we went through with that feeling that oh. I'm not understood. It can really play up with.
Magda: Oh, my! Gosh, yeah.
Komal: Us right, and it somehow kind of diff.
Magda: Oh, yeah, I've lost friendships over it. I think. Like my relationship with my parents isn't. I mean, it's better now, but like back then especially, and if I think back to like my teenage years and early twenties, it wasn't great, and it was largely because. Of how this started, and then how it built up. Um, you know, romantic relationships like there's it. Just it affects every point of your life. And yeah, just ironic that it started with a physical thing. But became this, you know, emotional and um. Yeah mental thing that just stuck with me. And it was like it was terrible. Now that I think back on it, I could have improved my life and so many other relationships in my life if I didn't have that anxiety.
Komal: Yeah. Absolutely. And that is why I think talking about these questions. Is so important, so good, because. While we are going through this, I think. Our personal experience about ourselves are like, Oh, there's something. Wrong with me, or there is something wrong with the world, and then. The experience of living our life experience of being with people and in this world is not a. Great experience, and it's always like a chase like oh, we. Maybe we need to constantly find something amazing or something great uh. In something in some other people, or even within ourselves, right. It's exhausting.
Magda: It makes you overcompensate definitely.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: And um. Yeah, it's uh. It's. It's funny, because. When you and I were talking about this question, kind of preparing for doing this. Um. It didn't occur to me, but. It does now like I did. It did affect my self-esteem quite a bit. And um, it's definitely. Has made me think back then, like what is wrong with me.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: Why am I the only one like this? And. You know, when you're in that mindset. You don't even. Try to notice if other people are like that, or you don't ask them the question. They would feel like that because you're so caught up.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: And the what's wrong with me? Why am I hard to understand. It's like you don't even register.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: That there's other people who may be feeling something similar or the same.
Komal: Exactly. And I think. And it's interesting. And you know, it takes me back to my previous statement when I said that this question really became a reality when I came into the teenage. And now I'm thinking, no, maybe. In felt sense. That feeling was there, even when I was growing up. And I was a little kid, and I was like, you know, trying to. Make my space, but I think. This feeling became more pronounced. In the teenage. Because that's when we start to think about. You know who I am. My sense of self and our ego really comes up online right.
Magda: Yeah.
Komal: So everything is centered around us like we are the center of the universe, either directly or indirectly, through our actions.
Magda: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. That's that's. So, not only. Do we not notice what's happening around us? Because we're so, what is wrong with me? But also we're like, Well, I am the center of my own universe. I'm finally learning who I am as an individual.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: So it's it's it's a very compounding effect. And what.
Komal: Yes.
Magda: Attracted me to exploring this question with you. Is that. I have some personality traits that I feel, and and life experiences that have made me stronger and more resilient. And um. I'm frankly in my, I really don't care what anyone thinks about me stage, and I've been in this stage for a long time, so I know that I have that advantage now to be able to. Not just confront this kind of question. But also I have 0 shame. I have 0 baggage in. You know, telling these stories? And um, admitting to. Things that were wrong with me. Um!
Komal: I know.
Magda: But I know that I have a lot of those. Advantages to be able to do that. And um! I think about people who are. You know, haven't had those experiences, or just are more introverted. Um, or. Autistic like, there's there's so many. Other things that could make this even more difficult, and would weigh on you even more.
Komal: I know, I know. And you you kind of. Hit the heart, hit the core of this whole topic right? Because. There could be so many different reasons that make us feel, or experiences that make us feel like, oh. Why is it so hard to communicate, or why is it so hard to be me, or. We don't even realize, like who we are. Right? Or how are we expected to be in the world because of so many different reasons? Maybe a. Disconnect with the parents or with friends, or maybe shifting across different cultures and coming to completely new place. Not knowing your place. Altogether right. That's a big thing.
Magda: Talk about. Oh, my, gosh! Didn't even talk about that transplants right.
Komal: Or the new root. Yeah, exactly.
Magda: Oh!
Komal: And then neurodiversity. And then how your brain is made up, and how you see the world. But I think at the heart of all of it. The reason why. Uh, I think we feel is because we we do not feel connected. We do not feel. Seen and accepted, or uh observed sufficiently enough in in a safe manner.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: So that we can begin to understand ourselves as well. Because one thing which I have realized. Through a lot of uh reflections and observations, and especially after I've become a mom. Through my children. Is that. We understand. We got to know ourselves through the world around us.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: Right uh we. Cannot see ourselves wholly, completely. So we see ourselves through the lens of our parents, through the lens of our of our friends and teachers and people around us, and the whole world. Kind of reflects back and shows us. Who we really are. So, you know. So there's this innate need to.
Magda: Oh, my! Gosh, yeah.
Komal: Know ourselves more and more so. I think that question, when it comes, is like, I'm not. Accepted, or or why I'm not like. Why I can't get to people is. Is, I think, a a cry for connection and cry to be seen or to shown like, Okay. Show me more who I am, or tell me more who I am.
Magda: Yeah.
Komal: And there is also a lot of vulnerability involved in that. Because you don't want to be seen as.
Magda: Whatever it is. Yeah.
Komal: Not good, right.
Magda: You know what's interesting. Um. Okay. 1st of all, I'm glad that the world is changing. I love watching my cousin's daughter. Um, Hannah. Actually several kids in the family. But Hannah, specifically, I love watching her grow because she's just so like. Open-minded and vulnerable, and isn't afraid to ask questions which is not something that was encouraged in our generation.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: And um, even, you know you mentioned connection, and wanting to be seen. That also wasn't encouraged, and it was actually frowned upon. Right? Um! I just like I'm getting a little emotional frankly, because, uh. I also realize how much this has affected my entire life. Um. I moved to the United States when I was 12 years old. And I literally wasn't understood, because I didn't speak the language. Learn the language fine and. You know, by the time that I got to high school, which was. Less than 2 years. Um! I was great students, like things, were fine in terms of my performance in the English language, but I have an accent, and I. Still do, and it's just not going to go away ever. Um, and it becomes Irish sounding when I'm drinking. But. I remember.
Komal: I would like to hear that.
Magda: Uh-huh.
Komal: I would like to hear that exit.
Magda: Oh, my gosh! It's it's insane! And doesn't. Yeah, one day come on, not on this podcast.
Komal: Okay.
Magda: Um. But I remember my my 3rd year of high school, so junior year of high school. We had um. These like counseling sessions for career counseling, and then to help us. I suppose you know. Pick a direction of where to go to college. And well, 1st of all. The option to not go to college wasn't really an option that was presented, which I find it completely wild because. It's not the only way to have successful life. But let's put it aside. Um. So I think I think I know because of my accent, and because um! At that point I was really good at math. Um, mainly because in Poland just the program was different. And it's not like I was a math genius. It's just I learned different things at different times than the kids in in my school. So compared to them at that point. I was further ahead. So combine those 2 things. And you know I'm a science nerd or science groupie. I'm a fan of people who know science. I don't have the patience for science.
Komal: Okay, that sounds creepy.
Magda: But I love science, but because of those 2 things. Um. The counselor didn't even entertain. That I had potential. She directed me towards okay, well, you should apply to these universities because there's no way you're even getting into these other ones. And um. Your path is um. Math and science, maybe, and like that's it, maybe accounting or something. And whatever it's fine, I started off college as a physics, Major. Again got was too much for me. Even though I love physics till this day. Um. Physics is the best, like. Number one fan, but. I mean, I ended up switching majors in college like. 6, 7 times. I ended up graduating with multiple degrees, not because I'm so amazing and wonderful. No, because I couldn't find my footing. And because I was, it was hammered into me from that point that this is this is who you are.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: It doesn't matter if you're trying to communicate anything else about yourself. It doesn't matter if you want to explore anything else about yourself.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: This is who you are. This is your path. There's a couple of little divergences, but this is your path, and it wasn't until um, you know. Frankly, I failed. A few things.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: And found discomfort in things. Um! That I decided to explore other majors and. Ironically, and my first, st the one I completed was actually English that I 1st completed. I was a writer after college as a journalist for a little bit. Um, you know, on and off writing has been, and speaking has been, the common thread in my entire career.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: But it took decades for me to understand that a. I'm good at it. And B. It's okay. To even try it.
Komal: Yes.
Magda: And all because of like you said, like, I didn't have that connection wasn't encouraged. And frankly it was blocked. It's not even it wasn't understood, is. That counselor didn't didn't even occur to her to try to understand me.
Komal: Correct.
Magda: And again, that's me, with all of the privileges that I have in terms of being able to communicate about myself.
Komal: Yeah, absolutely. It's like.
Magda: But yeah.
Komal: It's like you had certain natural gifts, and nobody saw them, observed them and sounded it back to them, and say that, oh, this is who you really are, so that you can make a connection and say. Okay, yeah, this is what I'm really strong at, or this is what I love. And all of that, you know.
Magda: Yeah, but I got stuck. As you say, it's the reflection that we see in other or what other people's feedback is about us, that we tend to. Hold on to, especially when we're younger. And it just again has a compounding effect as we get older, because it's hard to let go of those things.
Komal: Yeah. And you know another aspect which is bringing to me about other people's feedback is. Because how are others really seeing us? Are they seeing us? For who we are? From a neutral observer? Space. Or from some expectations that they already. Are holding in their head, and especially it, it happens with parents and teachers as well, because.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: Parents sometimes tend to look at their children from. Their own expectations like, how would they like them to grow up like, okay, this would be an ideal figure in my head instead of. Who my child is showing up as.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: Or sometimes because okay, I couldn't do that. But then I, my child, will do this like my child, is not an independent human, but an extension of me. Like they are born here to do whatever I couldn't do. And I think that really alters because. Although parents may say that. Oh, we've we've nourished them so much, or we've given them so much of attention. But have you really seen them? For who they were? And that goes missing, because I remember. Like in India. In my culture it it's like very prevalent. The moment the child learns to speak, people will ask them, oh, what will you be when you grow up. Well, the child knows right. They are growing up.
Magda: I said when I was. I think I'm told when I was 5 um was when I decided that I wanted to be. Um a janitor. So that, or a cleaning lady, so that I could help my grandma. Clean the house so she can continue to cook because I like her cooking, and I didn't want her spending time cleaning.
Komal: That's so cute, and that shows so much about like. You know what the child is observing around, and how the child is feeling and thinking about it. Guess what I used to tell people.
Magda: Yeah.
Komal: I used to tell people that I want to be a doctor. Why? Because that's what I heard. That was the dream my parents felt for me.
Magda: Yeah.
Komal: Right, and then. And I for so such a long time. I didn't even realize that it's not really my dream. It is their dream that I have kind of made mine, which means. I haven't even sufficiently spent enough time to dream my own dreams and feel like, okay, what is it that I want to be so, which means a huge part of me is missing from me. I don't even know.
Magda: And it's not just, you know, we we kind of. Focus on occupations. But it's. About kind of building your entire family structure and what that means. Um, you know me personally. Ah, they don't do this anymore. I'm I'm 45, but. Gosh! My 21st birthday, my um! Then boyfriend got me a cat, a kitten, because I really love penguins, and I wanted a penguin, but he couldn't buy a penguin, so he got a kitten that looked like a penguin. Anyway. Long story short, he gave me the kitten with a little red box. And and inside was a little collar, and it was the cutest thing. But my whole family was like, Oh, my God, he's gonna propose. I'm like, I'm 21 years old at this point, like. Chill, and it was like that for. A long, long time, and um.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: You know, I ended up getting engaged to someone who was a horrible person, who abused me and was horrible to me for years. I'm not blaming parents, but like I I did subconsciously focus on like this is the. This is the path like I need to find somebody to get engaged to. And married to, because that's what I'm supposed to do, because.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: That's what everyone does, and that's what.
Komal: Expectations.
Magda: And you know it's after that. That's. With this guy, or just in general. You know, when are you going to have kids? Kids are so great babies are so great. I just I never like I never had that gene. And I think that's okay. Like I again, I'm 45. I may still adopt a couple of teenagers. Who knows.
Komal: Yeah. Yeah.
Magda: But I never wanted to birth a child, and there's nothing wrong with that. And.
Komal: Absolutely.
Magda: You know, the last one that really bugs me is. Uh! I live with my sister. I lived on a different continent than her for a long time, and when I came back to this continent. I just I missed her so much, and I'm like, if you want to live with me great, and we get along so well, and we're like opposite people. But we get along well. And honestly like we have the best life. But guess what? We're a couple old spinster ladies to some people like I still get that. I just don't care anymore. Thank God!
Komal: Yeah, yeah.
Magda: But talk about shaping like it's shaped an entire mentality.
Komal: Absolutely.
Magda: Of not doesn't matter who I am doesn't matter if I'm trying to tell you who I am and what I want. No, no, it's.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: Would we?
Komal: Are seen and perceived as, Yeah. And I see, I think that is the core of it, that it's. The judgment that we hold. For the world around us, or the judgments the world hold around. For us, and looking at. Us with some preconceived notions is is what really stops people to connect with each other and get through. Yeah.
Magda: So what do we do about it?
Komal: What we do about it. Yes. Yeah, I think there's something definitely need to be done. I think 1st of all, it is important to recognize and understand that. What's behind, how we are feeling, and I think. That's how my beginning happened, because for a long time self-esteem was not even a word that I. Had recognized and thought quite a lot about. When I had all of these feelings inside me, that okay, um, I'm. Anxious. I'm nervous. I'm stressed, and I'm in fear constantly, because. This need to be. Connected, or then this need to be. Understood, is actually the need to be seen and accepted. For whoever it is, I am, and not just because oh, I had a perfect knowledge of who I am as a person. No. I think it's a myth that we grow till a certain phase, or like the 1st 7 years, and then we stop growing. No, I think. The way the world is, we continue to grow and evolve as human right. So this need to. Continue to learn something new about ourselves, and then. So one is that learning who I am already, and who I am becoming. Is going to be there in all the different age, ages, and stages of life. Like, for example, right now I'm a mom. Uh! Who spend a lot of time around children. But soon my children will be like college bound and busy in their life. And then who. I turned out to be like that shift is going to change me as a person. So I think this need to. Keep in touch with ourselves, and how we are growing, how we are evolving! What person I am becoming is constant. It's always there. And so we they. I don't think they'll ever be any time when we will. Stop to look outside, around us, to the people around us and feel like, Okay. Um. Tell me, yeah. Tell me who I am? Who who do you see me to be right?
Magda: Everyone gets it.
Komal: And we don't ask this in terms of the questions, but the people's behaviors, and the feelings they hold for us, the thoughts that they.
Magda: And how we interpret them.
Komal: Tell us, show us more, and how we incorporate them. Right. Tell us about ourselves. So. I think that need to know ourselves. More deeply, intimately will. Continue to be there. We just need to um. Have an environment around us that support us, to get to know ourselves.
Magda: But a lot of us don't right, and um.
Komal: Yes. Yeah.
Magda: When we talked about creating this podcast we talked about these confronting questions, simple questions.
Komal: Yes.
Magda: That we all secretly or not, secretly have. But there's a reason we don't talk about them because they they are confront. They are confronting talk of that understanding they are confronting, and they are um. I mean, they have to be explored. It's not a question that you ask, and then you have an answer to. So you know a couple of things that you mentioned. Um.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: You talked about growth at all stages and um, you know, we're changing as people as different stuff happens. But also this, you know, this starts as children. So I'm just wondering there's some questions that um. You think it'll be good. Well, a. For. Ourselves, as in. Teenagers through adults, to kind of ask ourselves to be able to have that. Check in of like, who am I? Where am I at? Um? And are those kinds of? Are those the same kinds of questions that you would recommend a parent? Ask a child. Um to get them to start thinking.
Komal: Yeah, and I think you know. One, I think what really helped me when I had my children, because that's what I feel like was like a huge growing period in my life. Because now I have other lives in my life who I am responsible for. So that sensitivity really shifted my way of looking at. Myself and my way of looking at them. Uh. So I think one thing which is very important for me, which I do with my children, and then I do with people. Uh as well started to do, in which I feel like works. Very well. Is that. Observe, before speaking. Like taking a little bit of time to 1st see and notice. And then open your mouth.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: Because most of the times we just. Uh experience. Somebody said something or did something. And we're like in a rush. We react. We say anything, we. So the 1st thing that comes is like just the judgment that will come out.
Magda: Yeah.
Komal: Because see. Okay? And a lot of people would say, Oh, I'm not judgmental. No, we are all judgmental. We cannot survive in this world without having the ability to judge right, we have to judge every day. Right is this.
Magda: We're all judgmental. Come on. Yeah. Yeah.
Komal: What are good to drink or not, and all of that. So. Our brains learn judgment very impulsively. So I think 1st thing is to just learn to take those pause, pauses, and say. What's really happening here. Okay, this is my thought about it. But what is is this? What this person is really saying? So I started to. Ask more, and, you know, react less, which really helps whether it's a child, whether it's a teenager or whether it's a grown up adult, I think.
Magda: Hmm. But there's yourself even right.
Komal: And with ourselves as well. Yes, yeah.
Magda: I heard that um. So I I started practicing this. And look, I'm I'm you know me. I get so excited about.
Komal: And so.
Magda: Things that I want. But um, someone told me that uh. It's great to like um when you have the thought, and when you have the response. Either swallow or or just take a breath, because it physically stops you from.
Komal: Yes.
Magda: Responding. So that's a tip that I have for people who are like me, who are very.
Komal: Yes, exactly. And so this is for one thing which I said works for me when I'm with my children or other people. Another thing that made a whole lot of difference in my own feeling that oh, I'm. Not understood, or you know, why does this person misunderstand me, or think that way for me? Is, I realized and recognize that. Uh. Others don't have any obligation to understand me all the time, or they would have a. Capability to understand where I'm coming from. Right and.
Magda: That's a huge one. I didn't think about that. Yeah.
Komal: Yeah. Right. And so yes. Now, when I look back yes, maybe as a child, maybe as a teenage, because. We are growing in that age, and our prefrontal cortex is there, and our ability to rationalize is not there. But then now I'll be like, okay, I'm a grown up now, right? The world doesn't owe me an understanding. So my. Sense of self really doesn't depend on how I am understood or not understood by other people. As a grown up adult, and as somebody who has now come to terms with all the pains and traumas of the past and everything and feel like, okay, yes. So if I am.
Magda: Lessons.
Komal: I find myself throwing a fit around. Why, somebody would didn't understand me. I know that. Okay, I'm not behaving. My understanding and my maturity. I'm actually have. Regressed back to some phase or some stage in my life. So I bring myself back and say, Really, is it an obligation on the other people to understand me? No. So how can I help them? Understand me better.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: Becomes a more important question than, why do they not understand it? Because why do they not understand? Is. A question that makes me. Angry, frustrated, sad. Hurt. But when I ask myself, Okay. What do I do to. Make this person understand me. Makes me a little more curious, more creative. More like like power is in my own hand, like I can do.
Magda: I was about to say. It's very empowering, isn't it?
Komal: It's it's empowering. Yes.
Magda: Yeah, it puts the control back into your hands, and it's.
Komal: Exactly.
Magda: How do I want to be seen. All of a sudden. It's what it it comes back to to you.
Komal: Exactly.
Magda: Not a reflection, interpretation.
Komal: And it's also discretion. Do I really care that this person understands me right? If yes, then okay, then what can I do that? They understand me better. Then maybe probably I need to understand something first, st that okay, how will this person. Like, what is their context, and how will they get to see me?
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: If it really matters, and if it doesn't. Okay. The whole world doesn't need to. Know me, or praise me. Right. It's like knowing and realizing that your life doesn't depend on this.
Magda: I think it takes practice right? I mean.
Komal: Yes.
Magda: It. It sounds like you went on a journey. Um, I. Yeah, it's not something that's going to happen overnight. So I just want to point point that out, because I think it's important. It's even. The practice of biting your tongue on biting your tongue, taking the breath before you speak. Asking yourself that question, you know. Is, is it important for.
Komal: Absolutely. Yeah.
Magda: These people to understand me? If so. How can I help them? Understand me better? All these things. They have to be constant reminders. It's not something that's gonna happen overnight. Because you listen to our podcast once.
Komal: Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it. Or it depends quite a lot on the capacity of individuals. Like I said. Recognize. We can't expect this to come from a child or a teenage, although, although these days, like you, said, this younger generation is so surprising. Sometimes they talk such mature stuff. I'm like.
Magda: They give me hope that the world's not gonna fall apart.
Komal: I know, I know.
Magda: Yeah, like the 9 10 year olds right now. They're amazing.
Komal: Yes, it's like you model something to them. You tell them, okay, this is also a way of thinking, and they're just. On it. Yeah.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: So I think, just recognizing this capacity, that, okay, uh, if. This question is popping up uh? Do I really have a capacity to bring myself in that empowered state, or. Do I just need to be a little more compassionate.
Magda: Hmm. And remembering that this is for all, for all ages, I mean again thinking back to my cousin's daughter, who.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: Number one fan. I love her. Um! You know she taught me about boundaries. Um when I was little. You kiss and hug everybody, and. You know. There, there was a script you had to follow when you. Saw every Auntie um, but with with her. I've learned myself that oh, can I have a hug, or do you want to give me a hug or um, you know, saying goodbye like I. I let her drive. If she wants to give me a hug and a kiss that's great. I'll take it. But if she doesn't. When I was a kid I would have gotten a scolding from my parents.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: And that also imprinted on me. This is this is who you are, not, what you wanted.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: Um. But yeah, with her I just I I love that if she's not feeling. Affectionate. That's okay, like, I don't hold anything against her because she's deciding what she wants to do. And I do think it starts with these simple things right, giving that. Power to the other person to decide for themselves what they want to. Um communicate. Do. Share whatever. Um, that's kind of starting point.
Komal: And that in itself, I think, is a big topic to discuss boundaries, because. I've grown up in a culture where there's no concept of boundaries. What boundaries? What do you mean? Boundaries. So people can become very passive, aggressive thinking about boundaries. They don't even know what boundaries are and why they are required. Yeah.
Magda: Another time, another time.
Komal: Another time. Yes. Yeah, but I think it. And, above all, I think it's very important to recognize the feelings and the questions that are occurring inside our heads, and. Know that you're not. So unique in this world that you are the only one thinking. These thoughts. For having these feelings. Yeah.
Magda: Um since you've gone on this journey of self discovery and um. We'll put our. We'll add our bios into the episode notes. But yeah, Komal is um very well educated in the subject, and she's a fabulous coach.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: Um! How did are there tips that you give to to your clients, to other people, to. Kind of keep track of this. I mean, I'm terrible at writing things down. I try to remember them, but. Um, you know it. It took me a while to make the connections of. The if this and that. Uh to notice how I'm feeling. I mean, like I said. It took me until my thirties to understand. What was driving my anxiety, and then, understanding that anxiety was making other things happen, and only once I acknowledged all of that, and noticed, started noticing those patterns. Was I able to do anything about it?
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: So. You know people who are listening. Um. Maybe this is the 1st time they're thinking about. Well, a. I'm not the only one who's thinking this, and B.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: I have noticed some stuff. But yeah, how do you get them to. Be aware of that and keep track. What do you tell your clients.
Komal: So I think the 1st thing is right. Becoming aware and start noticing right. Because we stay in our reactive states so much that we do not notice like we live our lives and we live our entire day. From morning till night, doing so many different activities. Seldom really paying attention to. How we are feeling. And for a lot of people this question is not even normalized. So if you ask them, oh, how are you feeling? They'll be like. Fine, I guess. I don't know right uh. This question would seem very awkward and odd, because it's not normalized for them.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: To know that. Okay, how they are really feeling. Or what are you thinking? Still, a lot of people can connect. Okay, what are you thinking, or what are your thoughts about it? They can immediately connect, because. We've all been educated to be more cognitive.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: Right uh, but feeling, and and some would say that I'm not an emotional person. Excuse me, everybody is emotional. Sometimes we are just not aware of those emotions within us. Right? So uh. Normalizing some of these things to notice about ourselves. And majority of time people. Avoid, and especially men. Right to not go to that feeling aspect, or even ask those questions to how somebody is feeling, because they're like, Oh, my God! The Pandora box will be opened, and then I wouldn't know what to. Do with it. Nothing need to be done with anything. We don't need to find a solution for everything. Sometimes acknowledgement is is the biggest gift we can give to people. Right, you know, when somebody is feeling sad. And you say, Oh. She looks sad now. And I think that could be the greatest gift, because. Maybe that person is in such a reactive state that. Although they are sad, but they don't recognize it within them. But if you can see and you can sense, and you just tell them to. Gently. You have helped them connect to their own emotional state as well. And that is very empowering, because once you're aware. Then, only we can do something about it. Or just becoming aware and recognizing that this is what I'm feeling kind of, gives you a permission to. Feel that feeling completely and then get over with it. Because guess what's the worst that we can do with our feelings is not acknowledge them.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: Just suppress them, or deny them. Yeah, that's the worst.
Magda: Which is different than expressing. And I love that distinction because acknowledgement we're not saying that you need to go and tell the whole world what I'm feeling right now.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: No, it's you don't have to say anything. Just think it to yourself. If it helps you to write it down, do. It helps you to tell a friend.
Komal: Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Magda: Do it. But that's yeah. Acknowledgement.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: That's where we're starting. That's our baseline.
Komal: That's our baseline. Yeah. Becoming aware and acknowledging whatever is happening.
Magda: Hmm. Are there um any tips that you can offer. On how to build that habit. I mean. The only thing that comes to my mind is. I don't know. Start with 10 Am. Every day. Have a little alarm. That just says, How are you feeling.
Komal: Yes.
Magda: Can, yeah.
Komal: Yeah, I think. And there are, I think, some really key times during the day. When we can do this little sensory check or a feeling check with ourselves. Ah, sometimes if. A lot of people wouldn't be able to say they're okay. What feeling? Because the moment they say, what feeling? The thought comes right.
Magda: And the judgment, and the labels.
Komal: So we say, Okay, yeah. So instead of just leaving it, how am I feeling? You say. How am I feeling in my body? Because our bodies are very, very intelligent? They tell us a lot like. How's my body feeling right now? Right? So your body will tell you whether it is tired or whether it's energized, whether it's feeling. Uh flowy, or whether it's feeling stiff, or whether it's aching somewhere, or it's just moving fine, and it's alright. So I think that. Check. We can do 1 1st thing when we get up in the morning. How's my body feeling like, instead of just getting out of bed rushing for the day? And you know. Getting in, sucked into the daily chores. Just taking a few minutes to say. Okay, how's my body feeling? Did I sleep? Well? How do I feel well rested, or is there something. Not right, right and just noticing it. And then, in the middle of the day, when our work has started. We've done our breakfast going for a meeting. Before entering a meeting. How do I feel? How's my body feeling. Am I feeling confident, or am I feeling a little nervous or excited, and all of that? And then, after the meeting again checking with us. How did things go. In the evening, when the workday is over. How am I feeling now? You know these are, and these. Wouldn't take more time. I think they will take just. 2 to 5 min. If somebody is in a habit of writing, we can write, if not, then we can just ask and acknowledge. It. See, the basic thing is start getting in the habit of acknowledging more, noticing, more. And then that kind of becomes uh. Have it! And then, before going to sleep. So I think these are a few points when, if we start to. Just become aware and acknowledge, that can make a lot of difference.
Magda: I like that, and um, you know it does have an effect on. The our behavior, I suppose, in our in our state. Um! Post acknowledgement and sorry what I mean. Um. Before we started recording today. Um. I was. Standing in the my office looking at this computer from the other side, and I was feeling quite anxious, like I. I could feel. Cold shivers going down, my arms. I could feel kind of pressure a little bit on my chest, and um. I'm glad that I've again through practice. Started to notice that, because it told me that I am nervous. Uh, this is the 1st time that I'm recording something like this. In a couple of years. I used to do it all the time when I was working in a space where this made sense, and this was part of my job, but I haven't in a while.
Komal: Hmm.
Magda: I have a very different daily routine now.
Komal: Routine. Yeah.
Magda: So I I was very nervous, and I started having a bit of imposter syndrome of you know. Who am I to even be having a discussion with. You're a lovely lady, and.
Komal: Yeah, please. I am so happy to be having this conversation with you.
Magda: Me, too, and that's when you know. Right after I went through those emotions. I emotions that acknowledgement. I then thought, Wait, what are you talking about? Like you've done this a million times just because you haven't done it in a while doesn't mean you're stupid all of a sudden. It just means you maybe have to ease into a little bit.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: And also Komal is amazing and long. The worst thing is gonna happen is you're gonna say something stupid. She'll say something smart, and you'll feel better again, like it's not about. I'm serious, because you know that I am the off the cuff.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: The uncensored person. But that's how we get along. So you know, when I when I had those thoughts, I my I warmed up, and the goose pimples went away, and happy days.
Komal: Thank you so much for giving that. Yeah, yeah, and see what you did right? Acknowledging yourself, gave you a power to reframe your thoughts and the ideas popping up in your mind, and that's exactly what happens.
Magda: Hmm.
Komal: You gave me so much of grace. I get, you know, and that helps right when. I felt like. Whenever I have a little doubt on me, I. Give grace to the world around me, and I give grace to the people around me or to the universe around me and say, Okay. That's the universe, or God, or whatever we believe in. Does it really want me to fail right now? No, I don't think so. And that kind of helps ease. Or that. Things will be taken care of.
Magda: Yeah, it is what it is.
Komal: It is what it is. Yes.
Magda: Best we can do is notice. Acknowledge.
Komal: Yeah.
Magda: I like it cool.
Komal: And normalize that any kind of a stupid, silly. Question or crazy question that can pop up in our head is. Already out there.
Magda: Yeah, because I'm not the only one thinking it.
Komal: No.
Magda: Yeah.
Komal: Certainly not.
Magda: What a great bookend um. Kamal. I know that you have uh some reading you want to recommend. Um, I will put. Your recommendations in the episode, notes and. Do you have any closing thoughts?
Komal: No, I think I think I just love this conversation. And I hope that as much as we, too, have enjoyed talking to each other, others would. Uh enjoy listening to this, and maybe take away a few nuggets uh to feel like. You're not alone. You're not the only one crazy with all these kind of questions. And uh. Yeah, there's a way.
Magda: We're all thinking them, but some of us just aren't. We're ready to confront them. But that's what we're here for.
Komal: Yes.
Magda: Um, Kamal. Thank you so much. I yeah, I had a great time. Anyone who's listening or watching this on Youtube. Please click the. Subscribes and follows, and all the things I will learn to say this better as these episodes go on. But we do plan on doing this. Weekly, I hope, and. We have a lot of great questions that we want to explore. But if you have specific questions that you think. Are worth asking, and you keep asking yourself, Am I the only one? Is it just me. That's thinking this. Please drop us a note. Again in the episode notes, you'll find our contact details. You'll find the socials and all the wonderful, wonderful things. But for now we'll sign off and say goodbye and thank you, and. I am feeling. Relaxed, but also excited, a little thirsty. And a little warm in the cheeks from smiling so much. But I'm feeling in a very, very good place, and very different than when we started. How about you, Kamal?
Komal: Yeah, I'm I'm feeling wonderful. I'm feeling excited. And hopeful. Yes.
Magda: Hopeful. I like that. Well, thank you so much, and until next time.
Komal: Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
Magda: Bye. High, 5. That's good.